F is for Facing my Fears

If you find this post confusing or disturbing, I encourage you to read my post Death and Shamanic Dismemberment for the Pagan Blog Project 2012.
Back in January, I was getting ready to enter the nursing program and was feeling very stressed out. I decided to meditate on it to calm my mind and relax my emotions. I told my guides that I would welcome whatever journey I needed to have since I find that trying to force a journey gets very poor results.
I put on a shamanic drumming CD and got comfortable. I decided to start with visualization. I read about an exercise that was supposed to help you release stress. You were supposed to visualize yourself dropping your stress into a deep well.
So I did just that. I dropped my stress down the well. As I was looking down the well, black tentacles reached out of it and pulled me down the well.
It was pitch black. I was surrounded by darkness so thick I could feel it envelope me. I wasn't alone. I could sense something else circling me in the darkness.
A voice asked me, "What do you fear?"
"The unknown", I replied.
It ripped my left arm off. "What do you fear?" It asked again.
"Not being good enough."
It ripped my other arm off. "What do you fear?"
"Not being there for me family"
Now it tore off my right leg. "What do you fear?"
"Not being able to take care of them"
It tore off the left leg. "What do you fear?"
"Losing control"
What remained of my body was destroyed. I existed without a body. The voice spoke again. "You have faced your fears. They have destroyed your body. Do you feel dead? You still exist. You can exist without your fears to define you. You don't need them."
A small light, like a seed, appeared in the darkness. It began to grow, forming bones, nerves, muscles and organs. "This is what is left of you without fear. Do you see it growing? You no longer need your fears, let them go." The light grew into a new body for me and I possessed it.
The voice spoke to me some more with private instruction that I am not allowed to share.
It was important that I share this journey, because you don't need your fears either. Letting go of fear is a daily process. It may never be complete. But it is a challenge worth taking. If you can let go of your fears, what could possibly hold you back?

Fear

There are times when we allow fear to run our lives.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when fear is very useful. Fear can save our lives. Fear lets us know when we are about to do something potentially dangerous. But there are also times when fear tries to hold us back when we should move forward. If we give in to it, if we choose to let it run our lives, we can end up looking back and regretting the opportunities wasted.

After I graduated 8th grade, my parents sent me to a christian boarding school. They had a work study program, meaning all students were required to work and the money earned was put toward their school bill. The summer before my freshman year I worked in the greenhouse. I had a coworker whose name I will change to Eden. She had long red hair, glasses, and, I have since discovered, she was my type. She was attracted to me as well, and we started hanging out outside of work.

That's when the teasing started. People teased her for being overweight, and they teased me for spending time with the "fat girl". Looking back, I should have stood up for her and myself. But I didn't. I was afraid of what my peers thought about me. I chose to let that fear make my decisions for me. So I stopped hanging out with her. That choice hurt her so much that she got her parents to take her out of that school.

I have regretted that decision ever since.

Why am I writing about this now? Because I work with an attractive woman who reminds me a lot of Eden. More importantly the situation feels very similar. This is the first time since entering a polyamorous relationship that I have wanted to ask someone out. I was afraid to ask her though. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of how she and others might react to finding out that I am poly. And so my subconscious dug up this memory and shoved it in my face.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone does things they are not proud of. The important thing is that you learn from them and make better decisions the next time that situation comes up. So I asked her out. She didn't freak out. But she did turn me down. And I am ok with that. She needs someone who will be only hers and who she doesn't have to share with anybody else. I respect her relationship needs and I am thankful that she considered my request and gave me a reasonable and well thought out answer. The point is I didn't allow my fear to make my decision for me.

Now when I tell this story to my daughter, I can be proud of the choices I made. When faced with the same decision to follow my heart or give in to fear, I chose to follow my heart. And that is all we can do.